Pre-work out: Meh. Post-work out: KILL ME NOW.

Just got back from the gym. I definitely feel like shit now. Everything is so sore and it's barely an hour ago. And my jumper's knee acted up again. It's like God is trying to tell me "Hate you too, lol. :3" FML.

That aside, will definitely be getting one of these. Yessir.

I really have got to stop smoking. Like, really stop. Since I'm home for the break, I've been smoking a lot less (Once a day, give or take). It still doesn't change the fact that, break or not, I've been smoking. I'm not a heavy smoker, but I wanted to cough my lungs out when I was jogging just an hour ago. If that isn't a sign teabagging me, I don't know what is.

Empty cigarette packs are also a sign, apparently. Yes, I've officially ran out of tobacco. THE WORLD IS GOING TO END.

It's not easy to get cigarettes in Thailand. Well, not as easy as Malaysia. It's everywhere in Malaysia. And they don't sell Mild Seven here in Thailand.

Did I mention I'm Thai? Whoops. Should've mentioned that.

Fun fact about Thailand:

It's easy to get cigarettes when you're in a tourist zone (non-religious attractions, pubs, ladyboy bars. You name it). But outside... As in... You know where people actually live and work instead of party? Yeah, that. There's nowhere else you can get them aside from 7-11's. The smoke ban here is pretty bad.

All this smoke talk makes me want a strong fag, so I'll move on.

I went to the bookstore after that. I was eyeing Jasper Fforde's Shades of Grey, but it became obvious to me that they ran out. [Insert RAGE here]. I was determined to get something anyway, so I got Terry Pratchett's Unseen Academicals. Been reading it on my way back. If I decide I still liked it after I finished it, maybe I'll give it a review.

Re: Self loathing and being awesome.

It's almost 4 AM where I am and I still can't sleep. My body just hates me like that.


Just finished reading Overthinker's latest blog post over at http://overthinking-everything.blogspot.com/2011/01/self-loathing-and-being-awesome.html. 


My response was:

"If I have a friend who treats me like how I treat myself, at least I'll have someone to smoke with. It's a little lonely being the only smoker in my immediate circle of friends.

I'm kidding, of course. Not about the smoking part, but about how much better my life will be with a friend like that."

Is it short-sighted? Very. 


See, the major problem with me and the whole "If you had a friend who treated you the way you treat yourself, how long would you stay friends?" question is that I find it hard to smoother myself with the kind of self-love that everyone deems so necessary nowadays. And if such a friend exists, she would be the most overbearing, judgmental bitch on Earth, with no clear goal for me except to let me the hell be and never expect anything worthwhile from me. She would still make snarky remarks, of course, but she will never do anything that will push me to where I need to be.


Sounds lovely, doesn't it? The worst part is that despite the obvious glaring flaws this "friend" has, I would still continue to be friends with her. Why? Because since she's so critical of me, at least I can be sure that she will never, ever spare my feelings. And in that, somewhere, lies the truth. A very twisted form of the truth, but the truth nonetheless.


Of course, this question wouldn't be such a huge problem if only we weren't so damn critical on ourselves. But who else can we count on to be the best judge of our actions? You can hide from parents and friends and people, but you can never hide from yourself. God? As religious as I am, which really isn't that much, I'm sure He can see everything. But there's no feedback. There's no push, no thunder and fire to set our sorry asses to action. Counting on sign from God? Good luck with that.


In the end, only we can see the mistakes in ourselves and fix them. Or forgive ourselves and forget them. So, yeah... We're kinda screwed in that regard.

Blargh.

I don't usually blog, but I'm feeling diligent right now. This, while immaterial, too shall pass.

A bipolar in the middle of her depressive episode being "diligent" sounds hilarious, of course. But I'm sick of lounging around all day without a thing to do or a friend to have a prolonged conversation with. Friends? They're all busy with school or just really far away. The curse of having a long break, I suppose.

But I'm going out tomorrow to work out. Hope that'll help cheer me up a little. Maybe I'll find a good book to buy for once. Something that's not classic literature. Classic literature seems too depressing to me right now. I need something lighter and more modern. No more Russian literature for me, no sir.

I heard Jasper Fforde's Shades of Grey is really good. Maybe I'll give that a try.

Currently listening to: Jaymay - One May Die So Lonely

Hi.

Since this is my first post, I believe introductions are in order.

Age: 19
Gender: Female (In b4 spew of TITSORGTFO, amirite?)
Occupation: Undergrad student
Location: SEA. Kinda between places ATM.

Hi, everyone!